Jelled for Life

Woke up with a DHL delivery phone call,Goddamn it,Cause he made a time schedule 10.30am sharp to deliver,but he’s fuckin late,that’s really irritated..Shit,this is another brand new morning,another day to sit my ass here thinking about what to type since nothing happen today..Each moment that i wait feels like a year, an eternity. each moment is as slow and transparent as glass. through each moment i can see infinite moments lined up, waiting. something has gone where i cannot follow..but no worry,this’s not a pessimistic period…i shouldn’t have let myself trust anyone. or to be whatever it is, and i actually gave up,essentially, my life as i knew it, to involve into this issues.

god, i hate being this afraid. if there is a god, help me get through this. make it right. make me feel comfortable? & good about what im doing. i should try to be  gentle, kind, and forgiving and understanding. let’s pray…what if things don’t get better. what if I never grow out of this and live up to my potential. if my lives don’t turn out as planned or even close. i just want to be happy. i’m such a high maintenance person, i realise that it takes a lot for me to be happy on an everyday basis, and therefore it doesn’t happen often if it even does. I guess i have things that other people want, and it can be worse. I don’t want to be like this for the rest of my life…

Not much happened these past few days,my stomach ache is killing me all the time,that’s extreamly hard time…Hmm, not sure if I feel like typing anything out here today, but I guess I will anyway.  What to do with my lazy Sunday ..I’m sure there’s something out there to see in the city, but I don’t feel like leaving the house.  Oh, I’m not depressed or anything, just not feeling well cause my stomach problem as i’d mention above….It has been a while.  I recently looked back over my archives and the resulting full body cringe has been hard to come back from.  So if you’ve noticed a lack of discomfiting bitching and whining about some manufactured travail with O-town, I hope you don’t miss it, because I’d like to veer away from that sort of emotional colonic.  As much as it might have helped flush all the shit out, I wonder if all the attention paid just helped back everything right back up faster. 

Well damn, since it is relatively close to the begining of the mid year, I guess you could call some of the things I’d like not to do, some of the changes in my aproach to this blog, Resolutions:  Less think-as-I-type, un-thought-out, emotional discharges.  If I do resort back to that I’ll try to keep it to a blog I’ve set up distinctly for that, as I have in the past.

Well… That’s it for now…

Not much to say this morning… I woke up with a nasty awful stomach ache, killing me again,and some serious incidented was happend last day.my dad was so angry and upset….but,will be alright soon…

During all these years, I finally realize that I’ve changed…(or being forced to change? Or may be it’s another alternative? I can’t find any precise discription which can represent my consciousness.)

I’ve been thinking a lot of stuff that I’ve ever dreamed I would be doing or even having in mind…

The more I’m here, the more I know what I should do in my live, yet, the more I miss my home town… but seems like the call of fate has to deal with my the paradox about my craving of being "home".

As a result, nothing has left for me to live, except geting knowledge… the more I close to graduate, the more I feel like my life is over… however, a new life will be born… all the fear and the joy of emancipation will come together and finally may drive me insane. (P.S. Simply,  if you don’t know me enough, you don’t know what the hack I’m talking about….. whatever…I just wanna keep it for myself… )

however,Life is a lessons to learned,sometimes i should forget how’s my feel,have to remember what i deserve..Giving up doesn’t mean cause i’m weak,sometime it’s mean you’re strong to let go..They say time will heals everything,but i’m still waiting…

Woke up this morning with a slight cold… My muscles are sore and my throat is sore, my chest is congested…I’m dying. Typical guy I am. picked up some cold medicine along with a pack of Nicorette Gum. Made me nauseous (that’s how they do it, you know…make you so sick you’ll never want to pick up another cigarettte or gum for that matter!). It’s a good time to start taking control of my lungs. Had drink a lot of water..Shit,hate the fucked up dinner last night..

It’s sucks being in a house all alone to much time to myself again, having no one thoughts on things, no one to interact with it’s weird.I like to be alone,but is ain’t like a kid,captive at home all days,fuck..have to look for someone else to hang out rather sit my ass here to killing my time..

It’s brand new morning, talk about something more "decent"….. ( or serious…whatever you wanna call it)…Btw, Just found out that during this few yrs, I was living  for the redemption of "a ransom" for my pervious life… ( and personally I don’t wanna explain what it is… and I expect that you should know what it is…) hmm… seems like I got one more reason for killing myself…. ( don’t worry I’m not gonna suicide….yet….still got approximately 5 more to go)…….

Some people realize this is an affect of mantally growing up into an adulthood… ( P.S. watching porn, having a girl or boy friend…or even not being a virgin…etc. doesn’t mean you are growing up…..however, alot of people believe in this way…fuck…)….I don’t agree with is….completely…..why? What because you think about you are mature enough? We’re born with hope, being taught about how brightful our life would have been and looking at the bright side of the world? ( usually I have never see any side at all.ridiculous huh!!) Then you grow up and knowing how fucked up life can be… That is it, you has been dispirited.

The only way to live happy, is not to tell the kids about any bright side, positive spirit, stuff like that… ( doesn’t mean it is necessary to tell them the dark side of life purposefully.)

The mannar of human survival will help them getting over it…just don’t try to push them to another extreme and let them fall. We are born within the middle( not over optimistic or over pessimistic) , and this is just the way we are born to live within.

I hate people telling me what, "don’t being sad, things will be fine~~"…..grrrr….. I appreciate your generous concern… but guess what? Most of them know that they are lying……and some of them are retarded… Well….that’s why my way of cheering up a person in sorrow is just simply telling them….."crying if you want to cry,do whatever you want to do while you feel pessimistic,when get over it,previous the everything that you do during that period,you will found that’s fuckin silly"..

Simple huh? Yes, it’s simple… this is ain’t SOLUTIONS,but it’s experience,when hard time is coming all over again,it’s will become solution,however how grieve you are, if you can figure it out and get through the day, then you’ll be happy. Telling you to forget it or pretend to be happy totally won’t help a bit. Yea, I know, it’s my logic.perhaps you will think i’m bullshit,and whispering:shut the fucked up"..most ofpeople don’t like it, but guess what? I am still alive, which means that my logic does agree with the basic fundamental of human survival. perhaps I’m so….hate to say this word….desolate? pretty long period… usually the average people should have gone suicide… Can’t believe I’m still alive and still wandering in the acidiemic life… So take my encourage if you’re being smart..

"Midway on our life journey, I found myself, in dark woods, the right road lost." - Dante’s Inferno

This prooves that even pretty people look like fucking idiots while doing it.It will freaking you out..lol…So,to the people of the world,stop making the goddamn duck face!you’ve already pissed Donald off!!

Just got home from dinner with liddy,the dinner was fucking suck..what the hell is going on?fucking north china crusine,because is damn "HOT",I felt my lips and my toungue is swolen,sobs…now i’m worry what if my stomach torturing me soon,goddamn it..

I’d spending roughly 5 hours a day on my ass in front of a computer at home… I mean,i’m not even getting paid to sit here and type this.that is.unless someone out there would like to pay me a post..funny huh!!!i can spend a whole day to write an blog like this and you can pay me to post me some funny things that will attract me to read it and then purchase some of our conversation huh?i think it’d be a really wonderful marketing tool,especially i’m expect my site attracts like at least three visitor a day.that’s a good amount of people to be seeing me talking some craps and how they really cant affort to live without ‘em.so if you want to do that,I’d suggest you to leave your post here..nah…fuck..what am i doing?stupid huh!!

     It seems like everyone I know is in a relationship right now .. Lately I’m growing tired of being a third wheel with friends, or, having to hang out with my friends plus another single friend,that’s fucking annoying, yeah,it’s true..if you were me,sure you will understand my feelings.

    I don’t even have more things to say. I’m just updating because I feel the need to type something out. I’ve been in a bad mood all day, and I don’t know why. I think it’s that I’ve had a lot of time off of work latetly, and it leaves my mind with nothing to do except wander, and when my mind wanders, I tend to get depressed. On a good note, I met Sharron lat night on msn. She and I discussed why I can’t watch certain movies that I can’t stand to watch while she was organizing the new releases. I also got told that I seen some video at Youtube last night, which…was amongst other things weird. But either way, a compliment is nice, especially when you feel like shit.

I think I need a change of scenery for a short while. So, if you want to hang out just leave a comment or a text, or phone call, or even write me a letter,if you think that is funny, Whatever, just so I know.wanna scream,until lose my breath………..

Happiness is a choice and a decision, rather than merely influenced by outside or someone else.I found it can be decided on a day when he wakes up in the day-to-day life as a joyful choice, it will create a really better day.The pressure of modern life, although that is useful to the appropriate pressure can be positive to help people face the challenges.However, to facilitate the rapid development of fuckin life science and bullshit technology, relative resulting in the implementation of various affairs with the timeliness required to have a higher quality of life actually makes day-to-day pressure surge. People often could not immediately effective solution for many things have no control over uncertainty in mind, sad and lost their sense of security. not happy.But anyway,also have to" live life cool".This is not easy to make it as what your desire life styles,highest expectation always a burden to susceed.howewer,I’m not a monk,I living in this generation,everyone are spending a whole life for persevere aim to their goal of fortunes,this’s ain’t wrong,sometime i found people ain’t change the world,but the world will strictly make you different,it’s pretty pessimistic huh……..

Too many things have happened randomly recently,felt myself become gradually mature,a lot of things cannot be changed.Everything are God preparing for us,only can treating it as a little test,which must also have an ending .Do not worries because it will make me stronger.Everyday,in pursuit of some things,no matter what,in the end,that’s suffered.Suddenly thinking of my Mom,because she are fortunate,She always whispering she’s satisfied everything’s that she own now.

However,I will not let out a frustrate sigh.So…..nah..push me on,if wanna try me….I’m always welcome…..ridiculous huh…yeah,that’s my charactor..

Some things,in some cases

On some issues,also some silly

Somewhat disappointed,and also angry

A bit sad of some incidented

some lost,and also uncomfortable

Oh well…..That’s ridiculous huh!!such of some unknown disease

come to me…oh my god!!!! i’m Fuckin sick..

肉體正在作一些無謂的掙扎..覺得步伐開始陳重了,呼吸也開始急促了…其實我想要逃,甚至已經願意附上任何代價……. 犧牲些什麼呢?是我的信譽,責任感,家人的期望….也可能失去了一些我本來的堅持信念…只是想要盡快的結束這段旅程…行嗎?

甚麼也只能算了……. 就剩最後幾步……..好好加油吧!!!但是我還有多少餘力繼續呢?越到最後就越累…要是越刻意數距離就越覺得遙不可及…最後的一段路是需要用意志力來堅持下去..

冠民送給我的機句金言..

享受孤獨面對自己

變得勇敢逐漸成熟